Hey there, sorry of the hiatus, I’m still having a heard time with that last post about our story (Part B), admittedly…harder than I thought I would. Miscarriage is such a lonely road. It feels so individual and yet, so many have walked it. But it’s like we all walk around with blinders on, refusing to look to the right or left because straight ahead is all we can muster. If you are walking this road right now, know you are not alone. Please reach out to a close friend or even to me…I’m happy to be that friend. Share your story. Your child had so much purpose and meaning in your life, it is foolish for our world to think you can sweep that under the rug.
So, after that D&C on February 18, 2014 my Dr asked to see us back in a few weeks for a hysteroscopy. All I have to say is…THAT WAS BRUTAL! Goodness. If you ever have a loved one/friend tell you they are having this procedure done, buy them a heating pad, a pint of their favorite ice-cream, and just let them binge watch whatever they fancy cuz…ouch!
Of course, this procedure, like many others proved to be inconclusive. So…the mystery deepened. As we sat in the Dr’s office about a month after our last D&C and a week following the above procedure, our Dr looked at me for a long minute. Then he said, “Kelsey, I don’t think you are ready try again. Is that correct?” He could read me so clearly. This was true. And it wasn’t that I wasn’t ready. I wondered IF I would EVER be ready. I felt so useless…like I couldn’t keep my babies alive and like I was giving up on them all at the same time. There was so much in me that blamed ME for what was happening. After all, my husband’s tests had all come back normal. I was the one who was a puzzle.
Our dear Dr then told us to take a break from the schedule and the temperature taking and the rigid biological clock that was or wasn’t ticking inside me. He did ask that I stay on clomid so my body would continue to know how to ovulate. He asked that we use protection and just enjoy the next month or so as a married couple. He then said, “If you do find out you are pregnant, I want you to call the office right away. Day or night. Weekday or weekend. I want you to tell them that you are pregnant and that Dr (Awesome- not his real name…just what we affectionately call him) said you need to have a prescription of progesterone right away.”
So, we did just that. It felt a little weird to not be so calculated. My hubby had spent a solid 3 years waking up to the beeping of my thermometer before my feet hit the floor. (Why do they beep! Don’t the creators of a basil thermometer know we are doing this in bed next to sleeping hubbies?!) It was kinda nice to be carefree, but the thought of children still loomed out there. So, June of 2014 I took my 4th round of pregnancy tests and once again, saw 2 pink lines!
I did as my Dr had said. The script was called in and I started on progesterone right away. I will save the details of that experience for another post. But what I can say is this. In the middle of our storm. In the darkest seas of the deepest ocean we could imagine…God sent a life boat. Our Dr didn’t make me go through the studies he should have to determine my deficiency…instead he took a shot in the dark based on other information about my cycles and hormones and said, “Hey, let’s do this.” All I can say is 9 months later when my sweet little red head was born, I am SO grateful that the Lord gives us good people to be used in our lives.
There is a lot more details I will share at some point…but what you can be sure of is this: If you are struggling to get pregnant or stay pregnant, you are not alone. If you are waiting for your adoption to happen, you are not alone. If the thing you want most in this world is to be an earthly parent, you are not alone. I know my story ends in a very happy way. You can’t peek at my social media pages without noticing I have 2 boys, and yes, they are biological. But, our road was rocky. It was filled with deep deep emotion, loss, and loneliness.
But, that is what Finding Joy Always is all about. It means knowing with FULL confidence that this is not the end…it is just apart of your story.